also not sure why my vpn keeps silently running itself in the backround of my computer and turning on. this is like a well known vpn it should be trustable right? >_<

edit: it was a weird default auto run setting

i notice ive grown used to the attention i recieve. now it feels like poison even compared to before when i was just ignored. perhaps it’s necessary so that people will listen in a time of crisis. or perhaps it’s just people paying attention to those who hold places of power…
eugh. i hate the way this world works sometimes. and it’s not always just because it dosent go the way i expect it to.

i need to relearn how to not be an attention child again

having what was basically a factory reset headache really did a number on my brain i suppose.

currently in neutral phase of being. shifting to catalyst though.

if you didnt know i go through phases usually ending up in a new “revelation” i think one would call it?

catalyst phase: usually a big swirl of emotions that go on like a storm in my mind.

blooming phase: usually when i have my revelation of new knowledge which usually settles the catalyst phase cause with either conviction or just a self made peace.

apathetic phase: usually after big brain moments i need rest and i can perform my abilities well including understanding. it’s usually during this i have a pride inflation caused by reflection on past blooming phases. it’s also when i make my dumbest decisions.

neutral phase: a phase where im my normal self brains,goofiness and all. it usually last from a few days to months before restarting a catalyst phase because of recent events destabilizing my emotions. like a violent awakening of self.